Alicia’s Truth
[Originally shared August 7, 2020]
Hi there Beings, I have another beautiful person for you to meet. Alicia and I crossed paths at the beginning of a very special journey: our first yoga teacher training. We became close throughout the three months of training and have kept in touch over the years and her many moves across the country. She’s landed in New Orleans with her sweet family. She is a special woman and warrior for love, as she gives and gives through her gifts of writing, teaching, and sharing her experience openly. This post is no exception, so without further ado, this is Alicia’s period, pregnancy, and birth truths.
PERIOD TRUTH
I can recall my first period vividly. I don’t remember if I had any symptoms during the days leading up to it, but I do remember everything after. It was a school day, so I was getting ready to leave the house. I was in 8th grade at the time. I went to the bathroom and when I wiped, I saw lots of blood, and my immediate reaction was panic. I called out for my mom and told her I was dying and to come quickly. I was sitting on the toilet when she came in and asked what was wrong. I showed her the blood, and she instantly smiled the biggest smile and said, “Oh honey! You’re not dying, you’re a woman!” Then, she ran out of the bathroom and called all of our relatives, including my grandma. I overheard her say, “Come over! Alicia got her first period. Yes, she’s a woman now.” I remember thinking to myself and wondering what a period was. After phoning everyone, she helped me put a pad on my underwear, and told me to replace them until the bleeding stopped in a few days. She didn’t say much more than that.
But, I had lots of questions. If I wasn’t dying, then what was happening and why am I now “officially” a woman?
My grandma came over and the two of them announced that I would not be going to school, but instead we were going to get ice cream and celebrate my milestone. It was a moon party as I later found out. I found out that I would bleed about every month for a few days and that the pads would soak up the blood. I felt no shame, incredibly curious, and I also felt celebrated. Even my dad was extremely supportive. I’m the only girl of 5 children, and my dad always made sure I had pads or tampons. If he were at the store and noticed that he hadn’t bought any in a few weeks he would call home and see if I needed any. In fact, it was my dad who asked his girlfriend’s daughter to educate me on how to use tampons. I played soccer competitively and he thought it might be a good option so I could keep playing during my bleed.
What was your education about your period like? Who told/taught you?
Prior to my period, I had no education about it. If I had, I wouldn’t have thought I was dying. On the day of my first period was when I received a little bit of information on it from my mom and grandma, but not much. In fact, I was taught reproductive health in 9th grade, when it as lumped in with other Biology coursework. There was little emphasis on periods or the female cycle. It was geared more toward sex, pregnancy, and STD’s. There was a brief overview on male and female anatomy, but not much else. And honestly, I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until college that I learned about the menstrual cycle in depth-- what each phase consisted of, the range of days spent in each phase, as well as conception at the cellular level, and menopause. There were two courses I took that touched on this expansively, a women’s health studies class and Physiology. I found it striking because not everyone can attend college, which meant that not everyone was going to have access to education about their own bodies. Unless of course they chose to self-educate.
What has been the impact on your health, outlook in life, or self-connection (based on sex education you received or lack thereof)?
Well, I have to go back to my first period experience because that really set the tone for how I viewed my body from that day forward. I felt celebrated externally, so I had a deep appreciation for my body which I felt internally. There was no shame. My friends and I talked openly about our periods together. We celebrated days we didn’t leak onto our favorite jeans, and when we synced up and were on our periods together, we shared similar experiences. We all seemed to have the same level of education, which was sparse, so we relied on each other and supported one another. It felt very natural.
What realizations did you have about yourself/your period that might move you to changes regarding your health and overall wellbeing?
After listening to [Brittney] share information about period health I have become more inquisitive about my body. I have gone through pregnancy and labor and noticed a change in my cycle and I didn’t know how to get back in touch with that part of my body. I asked my OB questions about my period and he said to just give my body time, that it would find its rhythm after a few months. But it took me longer than just a few months. A year postpartum and I still didn’t have a consistent “rhythm.” Before pregnancy, my period was extremely punctual, I knew exactly when it would come, even down to the time of day, which is probably why I got pregnant after only one try. So imagine my frustration when I couldn’t track it as well as before. That’s right around when I saw [Brittney] sharing all this information, like “Woman Code.” Now that I have an understanding of where my body is I can get my brain on track and stop obsessing. It’s part of my daily check in. “Okay I’m in ovulatory phase, that’s why I feel so pumped right now and my skin is glowing and my libido is supercharged” or “I’m in menstrual phase, that’s why I’m so tired no matter how much sleep I get so I give myself permission to keep things low-key and conserve energy.” My cycle looks much different now, but as long as it’s still going through the phases I don’t stress about it.
What do you wish to share about period health, cycle syncing, period hygiene with other people who have periods and for people who don’t?
First, a period is a beautiful thing. I know not everyone has positive memories or experience with their periods, and I know how frustrating it can be to feel out of tune with your body. It’s not a good place to be, however, making peace with your body is necessary.
I truly love my period. I don’t find it to get in the way of me living my life. I’m thankful for my body, all the ways it works for me, and I’m most thankful for its innate wisdom.
My body is always talking to me and its taken some practice and patience, but I’m better able to hear it and interpret its needs. It has taken me many years to get to this point and to be able to speak the same language as my body and get on the same page. I also have a chronic, incurable illness, so for me to be able to make peace with body and still declare it beautiful is a huge deal for me. I spent most of my life moving through life with the thought that I was given a defective body, but that was all mindset. I don’t see it that way anymore.
How do you feel your period will impact your life’s work?
It will guide me like it always has. The difference is my awareness around it, I just wasn’t listening before. It’s fun for me to see how I can get my mind to pair up with my body to get things done or not, you know, depending where I’m at in my cycle. I’m much more productive and intentional. I can honestly say that I’ll miss it when it’s gone, but I’ll manage that when it’s time. Still many periods to come, hopefully!
For fun: what’s your go-to holistic period product or ritual (favorite cup, undies, tea, crystals, bath, facemasks, massage, etc.)
I love this question because we all have our thing, and I find that beautiful. My favorite products are organic cotton pads. I’ve tried to go back to tampons after giving birth (not immediately), but like I mentioned earlier, it’s different now. I get terribly painful cramps and aches when I tampons. So, because I wear pads, my ritual is to shave the day before my period to keep everything clean. This also means I opt for my period-friendly underwear. It doesn’t bother me in the least to have to wear different underwear, it actually makes me feel empowered because there is so much focus on it in a positive way. I also announce to my husband that Aunt Flow is visiting for the week and he says “sounds great, let me know if she needs anything.” I drink raspberry leaf tea, make sure I’m hydrated and take things slow. I’m more reserved and thoughtful. To sum it all up, my period is a whole ritual in itself.
PREGNANCY TRUTH
My first pregnancy was amazing and I found it to be an incredibly spiritual experience. My husband and I were trying to conceive. I must have taken 10 tests before I got that first faint positive. I had the same symptoms as my period and I thought I was going to start my period. On Saturday the test was negative and on Sunday it was positive. And just as sudden, I also woke up with sore breasts. The lines were so light I wasn’t sure what to think but it was positive. I went through all of the emotions and I paced back and forth staring at the lines. Then I told my husband I had to leave. I went to get something to announce to him. It was a fun moment.
The first 4 months I was extremely nauseous. I basically lived in the bathroom vomiting until the evening. I could hardly keep anything down, nothing worked to relieve the nausea, and when I was hungry all I craved were all the foods I never ate: top ramen, hot Cheetos with lime, just junk. I became very bloated early on. I had to buy maternity jeans after a month of finding out I was pregnant. I didn’t gain weight during that time, it was all bloat. Even though I was sick, I still felt proud of my body. A few years before this I was told I might not be able to get pregnant, but I got pregnant on the first round, so while the nausea bothered me physically, mentally I was fine. I prayed that if this was the price for conceiving and having a safe pregnancy and healthy baby, I’d be sick every day if I had to.
Labor was intense. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had been in labor a few days already with light cramping. I went for a walk one evening and when I reached the end of my driveway my water broke. I still wasn’t in any pain. I was really excited, even the sunset displayed magenta and pink hues. I wasn’t dilating, so the on-call doctor administered oxytocin, which made my contractions intense. After a full day of labor I opted for an epidural, which eventually wore off and I had no desire to take more. When it came time to push, I let out a roar and 5 minutes later she was out. I labored for almost 2 days and was so tired but also very happy.
I felt very lucky. I felt I had been given a miracle, a real miracle, and that thought still brings me to tears.
What was your education about pregnancy like? Who told/taught you? Who did you trust/believe?
My education on pregnancy was formal, through schooling, not from my parents. I never had “The Talk.” If my dad had talked to me about it I would have trusted him. He’s the smartest guy I know. But, since I got my education from books, I trusted the books. When I actually became pregnant, I had to learn to trust my body. I wasn’t obsessive about miscarrying, but it crossed my mind a few times after I experienced some bleeding around week 9 and the worry was there. Even though the doctors said everything looked great, it wasn’t until I got the message from my womb that everything was okay that I relaxed. I meditated almost every day and then it became an incredibly grounding, spiritual experience. It was decided that I was the expert. It is worth mentioning still that I had a wonderful OB who always took the time to address all of my questions and concerns, he never rushed the appointments or brushed me off. It was a wonderful partnership.
What has been the impact on your health, outlook in life, or self-connection based on the education you received or lack thereof?
My doctor reinforced my confidence and he made me feel heard. There was mutual respect because I brought everything to him, so he knew I was forthcoming and honest, and I knew he took me seriously so I trusted and respected what he had to say. During one of my last appointments I brought in my 10 page birth plan, and I judged myself for being so particular, but he read through each line, one page at a time, and we worked through it. I had a high risk pregnancy due to having Epilepsy, and he always put me at ease. He never made me feel high risk. He never said I gained too much weight or criticized me in any way, so my take-away was of course that he was a great doctor but he empowered me and allowed me to deepen my connection to my body. That was the biggest impact. The only time I felt I didn’t get the care I needed was mental postpartum care. I brought my concerns, he advised me, but I wasn’t in the best place to take action on his recommendation and there was no follow-up.
How do you feel about your pregnancy or birth story now that you’ve had your own experience?
I feel like it’s one thing to learn about it in books and quite another to experience it for myself. I learned about “morning sickness” and just thought, “ok throw up once or twice and then you’re good” which was 100% not the case for me. I learned about how hormones fluctuate, but not how seeing our guest bedroom transform into a nursery could make me sob for an hour. I had the most amazing pregnancy; it was postpartum that was challenging. I’d do it again, and I’ve tried unsuccessfully, but I trust my body and accept whatever it decides is best. Just like the nausea I experienced, if this is what it takes then this is what it takes.
What realizations did you have about yourself/your journey that might move you to change regarding your health and overall wellbeing?
My approach to pregnancy would be the same, but I would approach my postpartum journey much differently. I struggled a lot after giving birth.
A lot of trauma resurfaced and I was not equipped to deal with it on my own in conjunction with the immediate needs of motherhood.
I felt empowered during pregnancy and incredibly insecure about parenting once I gave birth. I grew up emotionally, mentally, and physically abused by my mother from before kindergarten until I was about 16. That’s a long time to solidify a sense that I was never going to be good enough. I felt like I didn’t have the tools to be a good mother nor any positive reference. I only knew what I didn’t want to be, and I tried to be the picture-perfect mother I never had, which I learned at 27 years old was unrealistic. I’ve done extensive therapy unpacking and repacking it in a way I can live with, and while I’d like to say I’ve moved past that, but I have no idea what might come up next time. So, I would place a lot more emphasis on that part if I’m fortunate enough to experience pregnancy and labor again.
What do you wish to share about pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum experiences with other people who have children and for people who don’t?
Hype yourself up and celebrate everything from conception to birth and postpartum recovery. It’s different for everyone and there will be happy, smooth days and there will be more challenging ones, and it’s all normal with the exceptions being postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Don’t listen to people who say “it’s supposed to be hard.” If it feels harder than it should, then it probably is and you need to ask for help. Not everyday is supposed to be hard or wear you down to the point you’re having panic attacks and feeling helpless. Please seek help. Some things in life are not meant to be taken on alone. I don’t care if it’s your mother telling you to wait for it to pass or your grandma saying she also had it rough, if you feel like something is off or you don’t feel anything at all, seek help.
There needs to be more awareness surrounding postpartum care for the mother. Everything is so focused on the baby, which is great, but I know from firsthand experience how easy it is for the mothers to slip through the cracks.
It’s actually quite frightening how easy it is. Also, judgy parents (of any age) are out there and they’re the worst, but there are good ones too. It helps to have other moms or dads around in the early days who are going through the same things as you. And go to the play dates! They’re not just for the baby, they’re for your sanity too. Even if your little one can’t crawl or play, it helps.
What do you wish to share to the future generation of mothers and fathers?
Bottom line, you know your baby best. I despised every shred of advice I got about how to parent my baby, especially from people who weren’t parents. But, I did get one solid piece of gold from a friend which was that you know your baby better than anyone, including doctors, your mom, your dad, your granny, you know your baby best. There is an extraordinary connection to your child. Trust your instincts because your baby’s life may depend on it. Don’t let the doctors silence you or your family sway you or make you feel like you’re paranoid or “woo-woo-y.” When my daughter was two and a half months old, she had a little cough, barely noticeable, but it stirred something in me I couldn’t explain. I brushed it off because I didn’t want to seem like the crazy paranoid first-time mom. The next day I couldn’t shake the feeling so I called the nurse hotline and she had me run some tests over the phone before finally suggesting I bring my baby in to be seen. Turns out, my daughter had somehow contracted RSV (respiratory syncytial virus), and it can be fatal for babies. Thankfully she recovered, and I have never once questioned myself again. What if I didn’t listen to my gut? I don’t even like to think about it. You know your baby best and you are their best and first line of advocacy.
For fun: what’s your go-to/favorite holistic product or ritual (for periods, pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum)
I had a lot of favorites. I loved meditation and breathing love and oxygen down to my baby. I loved feeling her move and pressing her feet against my belly. I loved watching my belly grow and I took monthly pictures to document our journey. I wrote my baby letters every month while pregnant. It was all so special and I savored and soaked up every minute and I think that’s in large part because I was told I might not be able to have children. My daughter is my miracle.
